-I've spent this whole week trying to figure out what to put up on here. Been going through somewhat of an emotional struggle still, and knowing everyone else in the family is dealing with issues as well doesn't necessarily help. I know I've mentioned this a while back, but I've really hit a plateau. The week has just become stale. and even work lately has somehow sucked me dry. The past week or so, I've just been trying to work on the Travel Guide, and spent a majority of the time formatting text and getting frustrated at indesign crashing out on me.
-On the subject of women, I haven't been successful. It's becoming increasingly harder to find girls, let alone someone you can have a decent conversation with or actually someone that seems interesting. I say all that, but I really don't bump into anyone. My online nights of reclusive aren't very sociable. Mike believes the only way it'll happen is if we either 1. lower our standards or 2. become alcoholics. I told him he could take #2 and I'll try #1 and we'll see how it goes. More than likely I'll be making a visit to the crackheads on 23rd st. We don't need that. Somehow, my abilities to pick up women online isn't like it used to be. For some reason, when I was in college, I used to chat it up with all sorts of peoples. and now that I'm not around anyone, no one is online. whats with that. Just sick of the search. sick of the game. I just put myself out there recently, and got an emotional slap in the face. That was fun...
-i've also been debating my next move. emotionally and physically. I get the idea that maybe I need to go into hiding for a few years. Just disappear. Doesn't seem like there's much for me right now. My day consists of work. lunch. work. home. tv. eat. computer. sleep. I suppose weekends haven't been so drab as of lately, or for this month actually, but still doesn't make up for a dragging week.
-I suppose I feel like everyone seems to be moving in some sort of direction. Working towards something or someone. and what have I been doing? I've had the same job now for almost two years. It has treated me well. But I'm kind of feeling the need for a new environment. Maybe some sort of fresh start. and at the same time, I don't feel ready to dive back into the job pool. Even though my job has provided me quite more knowledge and skills and most first 'real' jobs, I somehow don't feel too confident in my abilities to find a Good job elsewhere. I think I want to move. Leave this state. and for that, I'm not seeing a means to do. Emotionally and financially. I know nothing of how to even begin to do so. Would be nice to live somewhere with 4 seasons, maybe some nice scenery. I don't know. Change.
-I just feel like my family is always in some sort of rut. and it's getting sickening. and it almost feels like I need to do my part to help pull it together. Not sure how or why. but I do. I can't even seem to complain lately about anything. maybe that's why there's all this built up frustration. It's like everyone else's problems are so much more worse and troubling. So I just sit back and think mine will just blow over. Not even saying my problems/issues are of great concern but there seems to be this impending frustration with everything. and I wonder what's missing. why do I wake up in the morning? It would be nice to wake up and want to do something. be happy its wednesday or thursday. I guess I let my pessimism get to me. or how I like to put it, being realistic.
-It's been a while since I've posted a rant about my emotional well being, something that used to be an almost daily occurance has been cut down to something that only happens every few months. I guess just want to let everyone know how I am, and if I seem grouchy, thats why. For about a week there, things seemed to be Up, but not sure what happened, but I'm back down again. Bear and Lindsay have invited for a small road trip next weekend, and I think the small adventure will maybe therapatize me in some forms. Maybe getting out of the house will help. or not staring at a computer screen for 10 hours a day.
-I apologize for any misspellings or confusing sentences. It's late and I decided the best way to write it all out, was just to write it out and I really don't feel like proofreading what I typed. Friday is amoung us and that has to be good thing. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself, but it will sort itself out. I've been trying to tell myself that "everything will be ok." Trying to spark some optimism into daily life. Even that is harder than it seems. For some reason, everytime I try to be positive about something, it somehow turns around and doesn't turn out the way I had thought or planned.
-everything will be ok.
